I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
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Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.