I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
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Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Worst perfume name ever.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,