I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
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[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
She was REALLY feeling it.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.