I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
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What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap