I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
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me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
is this a threat
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.