I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
You Might Also Like
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.