I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
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Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.