Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.

Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order

Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…

I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”

SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed