I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
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Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Not today.. 😂
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in