Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡

M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.

Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”

Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?

Me: Yes, socks

Toddler: No!!

[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that

A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!

the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

Haven’t had a conversation like this in months

Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night

Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know