Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

buying dead houseplants to save time

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

Professor X: What’s your power?

Me: I can turn ice into cats.

Professor X: That’s ridiculous.

Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!

Me: I got this!

Polecats: Sonofa…

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?

[store window advert – 50% off everything]

me: is everything really half off?

sales assistant: absolutely

me: even this $750 suit?

sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout

me: I’ll take it

sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle

When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.