“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
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If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
one of
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.