Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!

4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.

My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:

“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

The news is so predictable nowadays

584.

Goat cheese is for herders.

Facebook memories be like

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.

They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!

Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight

Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.

Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.

What is a Sherpa?

“Let me summit up for you.”

Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡