I want this so bad
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If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?
In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t