Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

welcome back

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.

Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

waiter: how do you want your eggs?

me: yellow

sam: i’m telling you

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.