Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish

[presentation]

GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?

ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”

Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.

Parts of a worm:
1) Worm

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that