Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries

Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…

Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!