I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
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*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Hard not to take this personally
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
