I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
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Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read