Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.

My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1138682857877098497/pu/vid/480x480/Qx12sTe__BA7nRww.mp4?tag=10

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

“And why did you join our gym?”

▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok

Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.

Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.

Things that alarm my 5yo

Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick

Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt

Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce

USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”

I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.

men: i like the natural no makeup look

me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US