I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
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As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Are we there yet?…
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars