I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
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9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
How times have changed.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
oh you like nyc? name every rat
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot