Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.

Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.

Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.

In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

[first day in hell]

Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!

Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing

Satan: HAHAH- what?

Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy

Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.

She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

Her: “Men are creepy!”

Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”