I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
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*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
“Wait, let me explain..”
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.