Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

Nose

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”

tag yourself

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

I am patiently waiting for your email

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

This kid is going places

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.

Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.

-my son, asking to be taken out of the will

Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez

Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!

My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall

One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.