I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
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*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.