Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”

“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”

“And run the hospital cafeteria!”

“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.

Tuber Eats.

“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.

William: where have you all been

Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.

Me: OK

5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!

Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*

5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.

Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.

Cashier: I love your lip gloss!

Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.

The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

sometimes we need to be reminded

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.

Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?