Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

Nobody:

God: Make half of them allergic to spring

The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

Not helping

inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

clean window: [exists]

toddlers: what’s that taste like

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule

(3:12am)

My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face

Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

What’sApp

Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …

*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*

Mom: Fish, honey!

In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.

In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.

[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people