Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.

I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy

I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage

Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”

When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

Wife: I think the washer went out

Me: What time will it be back?

Wife: Please get my suitcase

[titanic, 1912]

Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich

First mate: ICEBERG

Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave

I have a new favorite meme page

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”