I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
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On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
🤣😂🤣😂
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
why no one uses midhusbands
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.