I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
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We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
me: omg goth bath bombs
santa: that’s charcoal
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.