I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
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She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.