I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
You Might Also Like
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I am, perchance
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”