Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: freeze sucker

Me: it’s called a popsicle

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*

Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*

My kid: Teacher do you poop?

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row

Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.

“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.

Did you even think about that??

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter

My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”

-actual message from my mom

IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough

Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane