Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.

KID: Where’s grandma?

DAD: She’s in a better place now

KID: Canada?

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them

friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston

me: how are you doing this

friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.

Chat: “don’t”

Email: “I do not”

Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

Kentucky names the shit out of places

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.

This guy gets it.

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?

Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down