I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
You Might Also Like
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down