I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
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Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”