I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
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“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
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I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
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If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!