I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
You Might Also Like
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
finally found a reasonable question
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.