I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
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Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
all that yoga finally paid off
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”