I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
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Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars