I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
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“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man