I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
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I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”