I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
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If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
mentally somewhere in italy
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.