Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.

[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

Cashier: Smile!

Me: Worry about your own face.

Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun

Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.

Why enunciation matters:

9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers

Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???

9yo: …BOXES!

there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

work smarter, not harder

[Medieval Europe]

Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.

Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

Me: Coke please

Waiter: Is heroin okay?

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”