Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock

RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?

ME: No. I need it for work

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I’m a seismologist.

Me: No way! Can you…

Date: Please don’t.

Me: …guess my height?

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

a McRib killed my tapeworm

[restaurant]

Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese

Her: … you definitely don’t have permission

Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER

Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?

Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck

Me: Fine, don’t tell me.

THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy

Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.

Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.