Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw three bowls of dessert.

I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun

Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.

– Respirational Tweet

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone

Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.

Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.

Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.

Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.

Me: When hippos-

Date: Yeah, I heard…

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom

Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.

Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.