I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
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Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Ugh but profoundly
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
The internet is magic sometimes.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?