Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]

Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.

date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

Who hurt you ?

Me: Monday.

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.

“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

[creation of kangaroo]

God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack

Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*

God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha

Angel: again with this shit

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.

911: How did he die?

Me: It must’ve been something I said.

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.