Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

her: what’s this writing on your hand

me: I was cheating on an exam

her: it just says “hand”

me: yeah it was an anatomy exam

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

Worst Native American name ever.

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive

I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.

“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”

“We’re still married, Grandma.”

“She’s such a lovely girl.”