Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.

Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.

A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print

Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby

My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.

A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully

Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.

The two types of wives

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

Sometimes? I’m slipping

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy