Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review

To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.

I miss third grade.

ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff

what all these pyramids be scheming about?

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)

You’re never alone. Theres mold

[Swedish massage]

masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.

Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!

anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”

I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.