Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes

There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.

Always this one for me forever

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ME: *traps a spider under a glass*

ROOMMATE: Now what?

ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.

If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.

Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

Uh oh…

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.