Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake

“Oh, insomnia?”

No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.

Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

16: They asked me for my email.

12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!

16: Ewww, I know!

*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round

who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines