I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
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Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
❤️❤️❤️
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.