I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
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[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
And now we wait
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!