I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
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My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
My dating profile:
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
constantly working on myself.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.