I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
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“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Yup….perfect score!
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Me trying to walk in a dream
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
phew
