I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
You Might Also Like
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage