I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
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I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I’m giving up for Lent.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer