I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
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Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I’d use my best pan on you.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?