I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
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Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good