I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
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Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Proctologist = Analyst
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
🍞🦆
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!