I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.

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The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb


I’m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.


If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?


Her: Let’s just drop it.

Me: Fine.



Her: I just find it funny how…

Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*


the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him


Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.


Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless


i’m going to eat a bunch of confetti right before i die so when the person doing the autopsy cuts into me a bunch of confetti explodes out and they’re like “lmao this guy was cool as hell”