I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
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dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?