I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
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Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
i will not be silenced
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I need to get some bricks…
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.