Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”

When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.

Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.

Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

Urine for a real treat today.

-Toilets

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet