Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

I think this might be relevant today.

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

who called them poets and not rhyme machines?

[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.

shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

sounds kinky. i’m in.

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

[Invention of the airplane]

Wilbur: We’re ready

Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working

Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?

Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries

Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!