I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
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Social Media and Real life
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm