I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
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Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.