Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
You Might Also Like
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
We decided to have money instead of children.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs