Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Wolf of Wall Street.

No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.

I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”

lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit

I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

No. He’s not coming out to play

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍

Remember to recycle your pizza boxes

It’s for the Greta good

🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop