Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing

Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know

It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.

Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

* on a date *

Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?

Me: I’m on a diet.

Date: So what will you order for dinner?

Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.

Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!

Me:

date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.