I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
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Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth