Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *

*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*

multitasking lunch

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….

[taking a hearing test]

DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard

ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work

DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote

been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order

it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.