Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase

Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn

waiter: “anything to drink?”

4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”

So, yeah, they’re always listening.

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry

[8 AM]

Me: Time to wake up.

[13 HOURS LATER]

Me: Time to go to bed.

Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”

My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

uncle dave has been through hell

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

not to brag, but mine was free

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.