Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.

Health and fitness is really important to me

Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.

Is fake venison called venisn’t

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

Dm: Hi

Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?

It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…

Harsh but true birthday card from my parents

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.